I have been quiet online the past few months, and quiet off line as well. I haven’t been writing or painting much at all. I am ready for this year, and for the changes it will likely bring for me.
This next year, with any luck and determination, will be a year of healing for me. Healing of body and spirit, which for me seem to be so interlinked. I’m not totally sure how it happened, but I got a bit derailed the last few years, and I have been gradually in the process of getting back to where I should be. I spent over a year and a half without sleeping, and am finally getting somewhat regular sleep again — thanks to the help of modern chemistry and better habits. It is a victory which really began in September of 2011. I am now sleeping several hours a day, thankfully with only the occasional help of Ambien. Since September of 2011, I have lost around 45lbs. I still need to lose about 20lbs to be back at the weight I was when I was running, climbing, kayaking, and lifting before I was pregnant. In the last three months, I have been running more regularly; usually at least 4 times per week. It’s a far cry from where I was three years ago, but it will do for now. Thanks to a recently discovered heart issue I am no longer drinking coffee, which I fueled myself on for a solid two years; drinking 5 or more cups per day. I still sometimes really miss the caffeine in the morning, but I know I am much better without it.
I have learned a lot about myself in the last few years, which I suppose is normal any time you have major life changes. I have learned that as much as I love my daughter, I need an hour or two alone every other day or so. I have remembered how important it is for me to be outside and moving, preferably every day but failing that, as often as possible. I have learned that I have a pretty strong and pretty harsh habit of editing and critiquing my work before I’ve even begun, which can be crippling. I have learned I am my own limiting factor in many endeavors and relationships.
This year, I plan to focus on getting outside more. Running more. Finally reaching the point where I can honestly say my body is healthy and strong again. I plan to paint more. I will write without reading or thinking about what is written until I have finished. I will focus on healing some much-neglected relationships. This year, I will focus on becoming healthy — and not in the traditional new year’s resolution way of saying I will lose weight, though that is a small part of it. 2012 was all about tying up loose ends and taking big risks for the sake of my family. 2013 will be all about healing.