Just when I thought the sunshine was gone…

This summer has been unseasonably cool overall. Our pear and apple blossoms froze on the trees early, and our garden is filled with still green orbs of tomatoes; small and cold and angry. It has been a stressful summer for me, to say the least, and has tumbled into an autumn of total upheaval.

We wasted months worrying about money, about health insurance, about each other. I still struggle with fear and insecurity, and a sense of loneliness which compounds those fears. In typical fashion, I managed to worry enough to make myself sick, twice — first the flu (who gets the flu in July?), and the latest a spectacular MRSA infection I contracted about three weeks ago. And of course when this happens, I remind myself that it does because I let myself get worn down, and while treatable, these things would be much more easily avoided if I simply calmed down and let myself sleep once in a while. The other reminder I always give myself? Things will be fine. They always are.

And they will be. It is looking like I will have health insurance. The last of the house projects that I alternately keep putting off and creating will (most likely) be finished before the baby arrives. I have been able to spend a little time with friends. And most importantly, we have been able to collapse into each other’s arms at the end of the day and realize that despite the fact that everything, everything is changing, we are still here, with each other. And we needn’t be afraid, because it’s all absolutely fine.

I drove in to work today in the darkness and fog, but when I left, the sky was clear, and the sun was shining. I noticed it was warm for the first time in a couple of weeks. And I remembered that yes, there is duality in the world. Goodness followed by bad, and the reverse. But overall, there is goodness.

And besides, who cares if the tomatoes don’t ripen?


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