I haven’t been sleeping lately. So many changes around here, and so much upheaval keep my thoughts pacing like a caged predator. I wake up exhausted with worry. I know intrinsically, that everything will be alright; but I never seem to believe it until it truly is. Until I have it on paper, can hold it in my hand, feel the weight of it like a small stone in my palm.
We are refinancing the house right now, which I never thought would be a major source of stress, but it is. This is a multifaceted solution; with luck, we will lower our interest rate and monthly mortgage payment, and get a few thousand dollars back out of our house for some of the expenses which are ahead.
My car, inherited happily from relatives, and surprisingly reliable, has finally reached an age and a point where it really is done. The other day, after jump starting it (again), I discovered that the electrical system has basically failed completely. The car is older, and far too computerized, and most importantly, was never designed to be driven this long. We are trying to decide whether to continue pushing it beyond it’s limit, replace it, or simply go without. I find myself evaluating the importance of things like a speedometer. The timing could not be worse.
I am also losing my health insurance coverage at the end of August. I have really good health insurance coverage. The one benefit of teaching is not, as many of my non-educator friends believe, summers off, or being done with work at 3:00 in the afternoon (which every teacher knows to be absolute falsehoods). It is really good health insurance. The compensation, I suppose, for a salary that will never match one’s level of education. We are hoping to continue on with COBRA, or that his insurance will take me on without listing my pregnancy as a “pre-existing condition”, and I am trying not to panic.
In the meantime, our kid kicks and spins in my belly, completely unaware that maybe, just maybe things won’t work out. There is something that I can learn from that, I’m sure. There is some peace in consistency, I suppose, and I am trying to find those things right now; evening walks with the dog, the way milk spreads in a watery cloud through my tea, and Aaron’s laughter. I am so excited for this next step, trying to allow it to maintain my focus, and trying to remind myself that the rug does not have to be pulled out from under me.
Now, if only I could get some sleep.